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This bitch is going to kill me. Get it tight get it right! Summer is coming...

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Wedding manicure ideas.

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mm nom nom nom...

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Last night when the scale said I had reached my goal weight...

And this morning when it said I was magically ten pounds heavier...

Fucking broken scale.

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Hair / Makeup / Lips = erg. No, you didn't read that right. It's more gutteral. Really put your diaphragm into it. uuuhhrrrgg.

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For the last eight days of the year I'll be counting down the top 5 posts in each category for 2013... because I don't have much else to say... basically. Kidding. It's actually because I plan to be drunk for the last eight days of the year. Kidding.

Click on the headings to see the full post. Happy New Year!

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So last night I found this panda on Reddit and I could only think of one thing...

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Kelly Ripa looking ripped... uh. 

As I mentioned I have two, count 'em two, weddings coming up and I'll be standing in front of 200 people for one of them in a strapless dress so I've returned to my first love, Tracy Anderson.

After a full routine on Monday, I am still not able to fully straighten either leg (today is Thursday) so I can't say she's entirely happy to have me back.

Now I know a lot of what trainers say is bullshit, especially DVD trainers but the Tracy Anderson 30-Day Method really worked for me! *insert jumping fist here* The DVD includes the 3-part 30-day Method, 2 separate cardio routines, and a diet plan. I didn't follow the diet plan, only the exercise regimen and I didn't even follow that to the letter because fuck if someone's going to tell me what to do. Am I right ladies?! The book is helpful to read first but ultimately difficult to follow. You really need the DVD to get the correct motion and posture for each movement. 

The Method portion of the DVD is broken down into 3 parts that get progressively more difficult and they're meant to be done in, you guessed it, 30 days. We're learning! We're Leeaarrnning!

Part 1 = Days 1-10

Part 2 = Days 11-20

Part 3 = Days 21-30

The Method suggests doing 40 reps of each move, something I also didn't do. Here's what I did.

Because I have no time to workout, I created my own workable schedule. What I had was basically an hour each day (maximum) anywhere from 1-5 days a week. And for awhile, I had infinitely more free time toward the end of the month. This meant I would always end up doing just Part 3 (the hardest) and getting discouraged. To solve this I could have tracked the days I worked out and matched them up to the DVD and switched every 10 "workout days". If I don't have time for a squat or two, I definitely don't have time to create a spreadsheet about how few squats I do. 

No. Instead I realized that the year is broken down into 12 months and 12 divided by 3 (parts) equals 4. Math! So if it's January I do Part 1 all month, if it's March I do Part 3, if it's May I do Part 2 and so on... This way I am able to participate in all 3 Parts, hopefully relatively equally. It also means I did each part 4 times a year and switching each month had an additional benefit. 

One of the major reasons for "weight plateau" is muscle memory. Muscle memory can be a good thing when you're training for a marathon or something similar because your muscles will continue to do their job even when your brain has given up. But when you're trying to lose weight, it's a problem. By completely changing routines every month, muscle memory was interrupted periodically so just as my thighs would get used to one type of movement, I would be switching it up. Problem solved. Weight gone.

I also only did 25 reps of each move because it takes about an hour. Apparently I'm not one for "rules" so much...

The result? I lost 40 lbs!

And went on vacation... and remembered bangs are always a bad idea... and threw away that shirt.

Anyway, recently Tracy Anderson came out with Metamorphosis, a new program to target certain areas instead of an overall overhaul. You take a short quiz on her website (here) to determine your body type and choose the DVD program that will work best for you. It's a particular kind of hell that only women would subject themselves to so it's definitely on my Christmas list.

And no cynical internets, Tracy Anderson didn't pay me for this.

Gwyneth is her business partner...

and Madonna is her client...

So she has enough money and doesn't need me to endorse her. Her programs just really, really work. I would post the nudes to prove it but my Dad reads my blog. Hi Dad!

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They say cosmetic emphasis should either be on the eyes or the lips. It takes giant balls to enhance both at the same time. I like giant balls.

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Why I don't plan on cutting my hair short just because I'm aging. The idea that once your hair goes gray, it is inappropriate and aging to keep it long is antiquated. Long gray hair is beautiful! I think the main problem is that grays can be thicker thus changing the texture of the hair. This is why I always say that if I had to choose one indulgence purely for superficial reasons to waste money on, it wouldn't be a big house or lots of clothes, it would be to employ a hairstylist full-time. 

Read also: why I never plan to let my hair go gray. Never say never kiddies.

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Hair, Nails, Eyes, and Brows.

I need a makeover something fierce. Thinking of heading to my favorite makeup artist who used to work for MAC and having her do my face... so to speak.

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Red hair / green earrings / black liner / and a pink lip... thinking of trying this... maybe after a teeth whitening or five.

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Helen Mirren... 68... what the fuck.

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Pink smokey eye and porcelain skin.

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This is exactly what I looked like at yoga the other night.

Just kidding. It was more like this...

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Beautiful. Hubs says I'm a narcisist because I'm addicted to images of redheads. If that makes me narcisistic I'll take it.

All day baby... all day.

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