Like humans, monkeys have a very advanced social life and structure. In
order for primate communities to function at an optimal level, they
need to be limited to between 20 and 50 members. At this size, each
member knows the others quite well, personal bonds are strong and the
social order flows easily. If the community exceeds 50 members, the
social order starts to break down. To avoid chaos, the group naturally
splits into two, with new relationships established and the order
preserved.
Because humans share over 90% of their DNA with primates, it’s no
surprise that we function in very much the same way. Anthropologist
Robin Dunbar of University College of London discovered that the ability
to maintain stable relationships is limited by the size of the brain’s
neocortex (the large outer layer of the brain). Unlike other animals,
humans and primates’ neocortexes have deep grooves in them, giving us a
much greater surface area for billions of additional neurons. It’s here
that we have the capacity to build relationships. Based on the size of
our neocortex, sociological data shows that humans function best in
groups of 150 or less. In other words, it’s not possible for us to have
more than 150 relevant connections with any semblance of depth, at any
one time. Beyond that, relationships and order start to fall apart.
This revelation isn’t new. The military has known about this biological
necessity for many years, which is why military strategists keep
fighting units limited to approximately 150 soldiers. In larger
numbers, the groups suffer when hierarchies and sub-factions form within
the group. At 150, formalities are unnecessary and mutual loyalty
occurs naturally.
Humans are social creatures, and we thrive in each other’s company.
However, in the last 60 years or so, especially in Western culture,
we’ve emphasized radical individualism over social bonding. We’ve
attached our self-worth to things like income, career, accomplishments
and consumerism. As we’ve rushed to prove our worthiness by chasing
after these things, we’ve let social and familial relationships dissolve
in the wake of our individualistic pursuits.
As individualism rages on and humans continue to gather together in
cities of immense proportion, it’s technology and social networks that
are supposed to restore the primal connections we’ve lost. We’re told
that we can have the best of both worlds - we can still make our lives
all about us while occasionally “checking in” with family and virtual
friends, and still feel nurtured. What it’s gotten us is even more
loneliness as we continue to substitute real connection with
convenience. Technology, specifically social networking, has completely
skewed our primal sense of what real human connection is. We’re
collecting virtual “friends” online, giving no thought to what that word
really means or what these people actually contribute to our lives.
We’re confusing friendships with acquaintances. We share a casual
experience with acquaintances, at work or in high school. With friends,
we share a history. Acquaintances are people we know of. Friends are
people we know. There’s a big difference. I like to say a real friend
is someone who’ll show up at 3:00 am when your car breaks down on the
highway. How many people do you know who could pass that test? That’s
how many real friends you have.
The more virtual friends we have, the lonelier we get. That’s because
we’ve traded real conversation for convenience. Just because we can
conveniently text someone a few lines or send them an instant message
doesn’t mean we’ve actually had a conversation. We’re not making a
real, human connection. A conversation happens in real time. We don’t
have the opportunity to self-edit because it’s spontaneous and
in-the-moment. It’s energized and alive with genuine behavior, actions
and reactions. It can be exciting, scary, funny and nurturing all at
the same time.
An online interaction is planned. We can parse our words, edit and
choose just the right photos to present ourselves as how we’d like
others to see us, not necessarily as we are. Online communication is
like Photoshopping your entire personality. How many of us have online
personas that don’t match who or where we are in life? Is it because
it’s easier to pretend we’re the online versions of ourselves rather
than make the actual changes to experience that transformation?
We need real, physical relationships to point out the limitations we
carry that hold us back. If we stay locked away in our online ivory
towers, we never heal and move forward. Instead, we prefer to “update”
people by keeping them at arm’s length through technology, in lieu of
having an in-person interaction, to avoid our own pain.
If we intend to have lives that are full and rich, it’s time to unplug
from technology and plug back into each other. Life is a somatic
experience. That’s why we have a physical body. When we have a real
conversation with a real human being, we can see his smile, hear his
voice, touch his hand and respond to his body language. Our body needs
this kind of energetic stimulation to remain healthy. Countless
research studies show that people who are in loving partnerships and
have deep friendships live longer. In fact, when two people touch each other, the brain energy from the person doing
the touching - his electroencephalogram (EEG) - actually reflects in
the recipient’s heart energy, or electrocardiogram (ECG). This same
energy also feeds our souls with what I like to call spiritual
nutrition.
Between humans, there is a real and scientifically measurable energy
exchange when we are in each other’s company. Between humans and
technology, there is none because the interaction is a passive one. The
mystic poet, Rumi, understood this distinction hundreds of years before
computers existed. He described passion as when a man could
distinguish between the wine and its container. A truly passionate life
is one where we tangibly experience its taste and texture, not just get
an idea of it.
I tell my patients that although our relationships can cause us the most
pain in life, they are also the source of our greatest reward.
Personal, intimate relationships temper and test us, but they also make
us stronger. They ground us energetically in a world that’s made of
nothing but energy. It’s the tension put on our bones by the down-pull
of gravity that helps us build stronger bones. That’s why astronauts
who spend long periods of time in space often suffer osteoporosis.
Social network relationships lack gravity. They aren’t grounded in any
real biological force offering an energetic give-and-take that fuels our
psycho-spiritual growth. Instead, we opt for a cheap substitute and
end with a kind of psycho-spiritual osteoporosis. That’s why it’s called
“virtual reality”, meaning almost but not exactly reality.
In real life, almost carries no weight. Did you almost fall in
love with your spouse, almost birth your children, or almost take a
dream vacation? No. What we will take with us from this earth when we
pass on are nothing but our experiences. That’s life! Real
relationships shape and evolve us because of the grounding energy that’s
intrinsic to them. All our relationships, the good and bad, make us
stronger and more resilient because of this. It’s our relationships
that heal us.
It requires courage and work; it means putting ourselves back out there
and taking a real risk again. Risk and reward are directly
proportional; the bigger the risk we take, the bigger the reward.
Being grounded from within helps us take risks, heal and move forward.
As our hearts heal, our cells respond and we experience better physical
health, too! As such, it’s only through establishing relationships with
depth, trust and loyalty that we live richer and healthier lives. We
can only accomplish that by going out into the real world and finding
it…and that’s not virtual reality. It’s an absolute certainty.
via goop
